As I drove along the Coromandel coast, it was the first time I started to think The Man Upstairs made Scotland on a Saturday, and New Zealand on a Sunday.
I think He made Scotland thinking he had made the ultimate country. Small, great people, Aberdeen rowies, great access to the outdoors, world class secluded beaches, beautful islands, great accessible mountains, climbs, camping and kayaking, drinking water (Whisky) and all the rest. The Best Small Country In The World. It wasn’t until he was out with the boys on Saturday night that he realised after a few beers that he forgot to add the long term glaciers (ok, ok, I know the valleys and mountains of Scotland are cleary made as a result of glaciers), rainforests, and as he added cold water to his Whisky he realised he had made the sea too cold to swim in unless you’re completely canned at 0430 in the morning (like me after my Mountain Leader course in Kintail).
He didn’t know what to do. He thought he would make New Zealand to rectify his oversight from his busy day’s work.
‘Shit, what can I do?’ he said to his mates.
Suddenly a brainwave hit him. Like every 9-5 monkey he decided a cover up was the best option.
‘I know, I’ll put it as far away from Scotland as possible – just off that block of ice at the bottom of the world. I’ll add the rainforests, the different climates in one country, and I’ll split it up into two – North and South. That way, they’ll have to travel much further to go from the snow to the ‘tropical’ north in the winter. The Scottish folk will never find out about it, but if they do, it’ll be too far away anyway, and jeez, the Scots only have to drive a few hours from one end of their country to the other so I’ll make the Kiwi’s suffer and make them drive a couple of thousand kilometres and take a ferry to boot. In fact I’m so sure they’ll never find out I’d be as well call half the mountains the same names as Scotland – that’ll save me some time as I work out this rainforest malaky, heck I’ll even cut corners in Dunedin and make most of the streetnames the same as Edinburgh. Just incase they do ever find out, which they won’t, I’ll make some compromises and make some of the towns have a layout a bit like the place I plan on creating in a few thousand years called America’
And there it was. Like all best plans made over a beer. New Zealand.